COT 2 - ELECTRIC BLOGALOO: 2005-09-11

COT 2 - ELECTRIC BLOGALOO

Sunday, September 11, 2005

September 11th is for Lovers*

To commemorate the um...1,2,3,4...fifth anniversary of the "Attack on America", I'm a-republishing a little ditty I done wrote back in September of 2001 for the section M magazine. And that means no pointless Church on Thursday Top Twenty this week, C.O.T. Agents (and Spies).

The "Attack on America"

I won't delve into my multiple "conspiracy" theories; you can frequent any cafe or go to a "teach in" or peace rally if you want to hear those--although they're probably not half as interesting as mine. At first I was a little perturbed about people and companies trying to cash in on this tragedy. My roomates watch a lot of television, and I'll occasionally sit down with them and watch commercials. I used to sit with my friend The Lord of Death, Sean Gibbons, and watch commercials and only commercials. When the "commercial break" was over on one station, we would switch channels until we found more commercials. We would do this for hours until his dad would yell at us. Anyway, I was just waiting for commercials exploiting the tragedy and using patriotism as an inducement to buy things. Sure enough, everyone from Ford to American Airlines (!) to Las Vegas' tourism bureau (?) are is doing it. I'm not going to condemn them, though, that's what America is all about. Well, not all it's about, I guess. I've even got a little ideer of my own on how to make a buck: "Attack on America: The Boardgame!".

There will be like six playing pieces--an airplane (of course), a tank, a dog (like in Monopoly), maybe a building...I've still got to think of the others. The game will come with two dice (those cardboard spinners get all fucked up when you're drunk and gregarious). The object of the game is to navigate your figure, using the dice, to reach the end before the other players (like in Candyland or the Battlestar Galactica boardgame). Hey, maybe I'll make one of the figures of Lorne Greene!

Every five or so spaces there will be a space with a question mark (like in Monopoly and Battlestar Galactica, the boardgame). The cards will read: "You are mistaken for an Arab Muslim by drunken rednecks and are badly beaten. Lose a turn!" and "You are suspected of being a terrorist sympathizer and 'detained' for an indeterminate period of time while you await interrogation. Lose an indefinite number of turns!" and "You kill hundreds of innocent civilians when you bomb a caravan of gypsies that Armyu intelligence has mistaken for a moblile ammunition depot. Oh well, it's not like they're white or anything, move forward 10 spaces anyway!" and "You contract the deadly anthrax virus (probably planted by some American right-wing hate group. What the hell, blame it on Muslim fundamentalists. Game over!".

I know I said I wasn't going to espouse any "conspiracy" theories...I changed my mind. The Yankees should have lost to the A's in the playoffs! I've never seen such blatant favoritism by umpires in my many years of watching professional baseball. The A's took the first two games from the Yankees fair and square. Well, sort of, since the umpires were still heavily favoring the fucking Yankees with their calls. It got much worse when they went to Oakland. The umpires were practically asking the A's pitchers to throw into a Dixie cup while the Yankees' pitchers were given the width of a soccer goal for a strikezone. And Jeremy Giambi was so fucking safe at home plate! I guess New York needed a pick-me-up after that whole World Trade Center thing. Still, Oakland got stuck with Jerry Brown as their mayor! That's a tragedy in itself. Oh well, most of you probably don't follow the genius game of baseball so I'll spare you the rest. I call bullshit on the Yankees though! What a scam! What's going to happen next? Is the NBA going to look the other way and let the Washington Wizards go to the finals because of the Pentagon catastrophe? From this day forward I will refer to the first round of the American League Playoffs between the Yankees and my beloved A's in 2001 as the "Blue Sox Scandal".

Enlightening, wasn't that C.O.T. Agents (and Spies). Look for future blogs on the volunteer fire fighter/EMT army...Until then, as ever, your Nation of Ulysses, FELIX

*Oh yeah, supposedly that's the name of the new Ronnie James Trio single. Of course, it's probably just a rumor.

¶ 12:00 PM //